Surprisingly, I am getting more and more excited about Christmas. This is something I am not used to. I dont really remember being excited about Christmas, I mean REALLY excited, since I was a kid. My good Christmas’s outweigh the bad ones, however, the bad ones are just SO bad that underneath any feelings of joy, lied some very negative emotions, fear, hurt, anger..buried very deep. Well, this Christmas feels different. It feels good.
Soda and I have not been able to spend any Christmas’s together since we have been together. This is because every year he goes up North to Minnesota to visit his grandmother. This isnt something that bothers me too much because his grandmother has been the only constant in his life besides me. The only other person that he feels has really cared about him. Me and his grandmother. Shes getting older..well..shes getting way up there. I believe shes about 85 now and things arent going so well for her. Her mind is great but her body is dying on her and she refuses to believe it. So, with that said, I think it is extremely important that he goes up there and spends as much time with her as possible before fate decides to take her away from this physical reality we exist in now.
So I have spent Christmas alone for the past three years. Not technically alone. On Christmas Eve (generally, sometimes its on Christmas day) my cousin Kelley, and my mom usually have our Christmas and open the presents from one another and then we have Christmas dinner over at our aunt Karens house with our uncle Nelson and our cousin Tyler. But, its Christmas even night and Christmas night that I spend alone.
I have alway loved the “scents” of Christmas. You know, the fresh Pine scent. I always buy a ton of those candles and at least two bottles of the air freshener, haha. I love it. I also love Christmas trees and Christmas lights. Last year, I was living in a very small apartment and had NO room for a tree, so I just had this little teenie tiny mini tree that was pre decorated and about one foot tall, haha. It was good enough. This year, im going to get a three or four foot tree with lights and decorations and everything.
On Christmas Eve night I plan on lighting my pine candles, spraying some pine scent in the air, turning the house lights down and the Christmas Tree lights up, curling up on my couch with my special blanket and watching a movie and surfing the net, with all the presents under the tree…alone. Dont feel sorry for me because I just described a near perfect evening. The only thing missing is Soda, but as we all know, distance makes the heart grow fonder and even though I miss him dearly during Christmas..for the past three years it has been some time for me to sit back and reflect on life, and the way life has turned out. And, I have enjoyed it. However, I REALLY cant wait until he can join me on the couch with the pine scent in the air, the house lights turned down and the Christmas Tree lights turned up, us both curled underneath my special blanket, just watching a movie and enjoying each other with all of the presents under the tree.
Tonight Soda and I bought our first Christmas decoration as a couple. A small 99cent snow globe that, in my humble opinion, is irresistibly cute. Sometime next week we will buy our first tree and our very first tree ornament as a couple. I know that to a lot of people this sounds really lame..but to me…..it sounds like home.
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