I cant sleep. I go through this every once in a while..its pure torture. I think the inability to fall asleep is far worse than being deprived of sleep, or being kept awake against ones own will.

My friend had to write an essay about herself. What an unusual, but very creative topic for an essay. I think that writing about yourself is probably good soup for the soul. It isnt everyday that we kick back and really have a conversation with ourselves, about ourselves. The vast majority of people are not introspective or self analytical. When, I think we should be.
There was a time when I analyzed everything around me. Why I was brought into this world. Why I had to be here. But, I have never asked myself why I AM here.

When someone asks you..Who are you? How do you respond? What would you say? What defines you? What defines me?

Ive thought about this the last few minutes and I can honestly say that I dont have an answer. Im not exactly sure what defines me as a human being, as a living entity. I know what I like and what I dont like. I know my interests, what kind of music I enjoy, I am well aware of my sense of humor and what makes me sad or angry, or even happy..but I dont really know who I am.
After reading Sarahs essay on herself, I was compelled to write something about myself. About my real personality and what makes me who I am. I guess it would be my spiritual makeup.

I would, off the bat, define myself as an eccentric. I am somewhat of a “strange character” and it has sort of isolated me in different ways during different parts of my life. There have been a lot of times in my life where I tried to disguise my eccentricity, but it always kind of shined through. Now, in my young adulthood I have come to terms with my unconventionalism and I kind of enjoy it. Despite being an extremely extroverted child I have grown into someone who keeps to herself most of the time. When I was younger I put myself in the middle of everything and now I seem to isolate myself from everything. When I was a teenager I hated to be alone, now I cherish being alone and prefer it. I have been depressed and anxious for the vast majority of my life. Probably partly due to genetics. While now, I dont consider myself depressed, I still battle with myself constantly. Being depressed has caused me to serverely withdrawal from everyone and everything. However, needless to say, depression introduced me to myself. It taught me to look into everything and question it with pessimism. Even now that I have come out of my depression, that is a trait that I will always carry with me.

Being depressed probably shaped and formed me into who I am. I never thought about it like that, and would never have even looked at it from that viewpoint. But when I became sad, I started to search for something to fill up the emptiness that was inside of me. I found spirituality and became a very spiritual person. Ive come to use my spirituality as a coping mechanism and it works very well for me because that is one thing that no one could ever tear down. I consider myself an eclectic spiritualist.
I have always been opinionated and I remain that way. I guess I am intelligent. People have told me that I am intelligent, maybe in their eyes I am, but, in my eyes, there is always room for improvement.

I would be lying to myself if I didnt say anything negative about who I am. But, there are some things and feelings that should be kept private no matter how relevant they are to who you may be. I have a lot of very deep rooted feelings and emotions that I will probably never come to terms with, or be ok with. I procrastinate, I dont apply myself, I am lazy, I dont try to make anything of my life, I am ultimately not ok with where I am in my life right now, I have never tried to be anything..when I know that I could be something if I really tried. Its not fair to blame all of this stuff on people who negatively influenced me..but I honestly think that had my childhood been different, had I had a different relationship with my father, I would be more. My mother wouldnt have babied me and spoiled me so much, and I would know the value of having my own. God bless the child thats got his own.
Past all that, I am only 20. I am young and I have a long time to correct the things that I dont like about myself.

The people in my life have been great. They have all accepted me without falter. Maybe they laughed a little while I went through all my phases and changed, but they have stood by me and accepted everything about me. Even my never present father who once said he would disown his child if they ever got anything peirced..hah. The only person who doesnt accept me for who I am is Soda. Thats something I battle with daily and its an issue with my self esteem. Sometimes I talk about the tattoos I want to get, or an item of clothing and he calls it stupid or acts like he would be embarressed of me. It hurts me a lot and sometimes I wonder why he cant accept me for who I am because..I accept him fully. He has no fashion sense, he doesnt bathe regularly, he never cuts his hair, his shoes are full of holes, he wears jewelry that id never be caught dead in, he talks ALL the time for minutes on end..but I never say a negative word about it. I would never want to hurt his self esteem like that. But because of the way he acts towards me at times, it has made me question myself, my motives, the way I dress, the things I say. It has caused me to shield myself from him. I cannot be my true self with him and thats painful.

So, in conclusion. I am an eccentric, an introvert, an eclectic spiritualist, I procrastinate, I tend to think negitively, I am lazy, smart. I question myself because someone I love questions me, I am ultimately afraid of what people around me think of me. Most of all, I am human and I feel just like everyone else does I guess.

This was a long entry.
I couldnt sleep and I had that very anxious feeling. Like I needed to escape and get out of here. But writing this helped.

Who said blogging was a bad idea?

One day from the big moving day. I wonder how its gonna go..ive never embarked on something like this with Soda. Last time I moved, he was in Minnesota and I did it without him.
Im in a REALLY bad mood. Today totally sucked. This is the first day Ive felt better in a while and I didnt do anything but bag up fucking garbage and pack..now im bored as maddog  and angry or something. I guess I could go in the kitchen and pack more stuff..I cant wait to get outta here. Apartment living is horrible. Absolutely horrible. I know I bitch about this all the time but in a couple days..I wont be bitching about it anymore.

Tomorrow is Valentines Day..and guess what? I totally forgot. I didnt get Soda ANYTHING and..im pretty sure he didnt get me anything. Not to mention we are broke, but I may get paid tomorrow, if I dont get paid tomorrow..then I get paid Thursday. BUT..my mom said shes got me a wal-mart card for Vday tomorrow so I can go get curtains and sheets and a bedspread and rug for the new place. We MIGHT get the key tomorrow. If not tomorrow, then Thursday..lol..Thursday is a big day. It would rock SO MUCH ASS to get it tomorrow though. Probably wont happen. Here I am just rambling on and on..when theres nothing to even talk about.

Oh yeah..I think I have an ear infection. Or something.

Another successful day of NOT DOING ANYTHING . Soda worked for me while I stayed home and cleaned like a good woman should..PSYCHE HAHAHA.

Anyway…I fixed the toilet. Someone clogged it up..probably Soda and it has been clogged for like two days. At first we tried everything, we poured bleach, drano, plunged, and nothing. Someone seriously had a whopper and it totally wasnt me. Anyway, I had been holding my shit for two whole days and it got so bad that I literally had to plunge the shit out of my toilet. I mean I plunged hardcore for 15 minutes and I even worked up a sweat, and then, as pretty as you please..the comode was fixed. I was able to shit in comfort and peace. You do not know what a relief it was. For a while I was getting scared I might have to shit in a bag or walk down the street to a gas station and shit there..hell I might not have even made it and ended up shitting myself. Enough of that. My toilet works!!! Woohoo!!

Today I went to Church. It was so fun!

OH NO!! My kittie is sick. I dont think its serious.I HOPE its not serious.

Just a few minutes ago while playing with him I discovered a red lesion on his skin, on his collar bone. I did a little research and this looks like it could be a staph infection, which is treatable via antibiotics. I happen to always have cat antibiotics on hand so on the offchance this IS a staph infection, I gave him a dose tonight. Tomorrow I will take him to the vet…

Hope the best!

You know, when I was little, id always pretend my name was “Anna Nicole Smith.” I had a My Size Barbie also named Anna Nicole Smith, even though I was so young I had no idea who it was. Its hilarious to think back on..I wonder if Kelley remembers it..

Anyways..another day another dime. Im still sick today but nowhere near as much as I have been. Ive been laying in bed since about 11AM, literally, and I feel a lot better. Tonight, I dont plan on doing CRAP. Laying around, taking my cold and flu medicine and sleeping my ass off.
Tomorrow, however..is when the show gets on the road. My boyfriend and I made a plan to clean all the trash outta here tomorrow. Bag up all the clothes..dirty clothes in black bags, clean clothes in white bags, take them to my moms on Tuesday because she said
shed wash them for me and put them on coathangers so I could just directly hang them in my NEW CLOSET!!!! She said she went by the house the other day and the doors were locked so that probably means a cleaning crew came by and cleaned a little or maybe put some new appliances in. Im excited to see if theres a new stove and fridge..hope so..that would rock.

Just as I suspected..no band practice tonight..so I wonder what were gonna do next week with the moving..oh well.
Ive been laid back in bed watching shows about Anna Nicoles death all day long. Im surprised im not tired of hearing about it by now..

Man theres nothing to write about at the moment.

I am not any better today. Today its like..my throat is swollen, plus im coughing, plus im running a fever, plus I feel like I have to shit all the time (thats not really much different than normal though), plus my nose is running. I feel naseous. God I hope this is the end of it. Ive been eating ice and drinking tea, eating soups, taking medicine..ive overloaded on Tylonal cold here in the last couple days. I take two every 4 hours. I havent been able to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. I did go to Robbies a couple times, but I was real fucked up so..I felt better at the time, lol…but it looks like it just made it worse. Me and my mom were supposed to go out and buy curtains, bedspreads, new towels and rugs for the house today…NOT GONNA HAPPEN. Ugh Shes kinda sick too..we decided wed go tomorrow..hope we both feel better by then.

The Perfect entry for the attention defecit.

I have an update that will probably only be cute to me. While in the bathroom (much like dooce’s daughter, ive had constipation issues since I was baby, and being sick DOESNT HELP), in a lot of pain, my cat came and loyally sat down beside my legs. He started to lick my kneecap as if to tell me he understood the pain I was in. Then, he rested his forehead on my calf. It was really sweet, so I picked him up and put him in my lap. He gave me emotional support all while frantically looking around trying to figure out where the sound of my farts were coming from.
I <3 Claude.

Ah. A fresh new start. I was going to try and copy some old livejournal entries over here..but I had that journal for forever and im ready for something new.

Theres nothing really great to write about. I am moving in exactly a week…this time next Friday I will probably be journaling from my new place..yipee!! But, until then I probably wont write much..plus I gotta get inspired or whatever.

I cant wait to move. I feel so stagnated here..nowhere to go..no windows to open. Its like im in a prison. Only one week…exactly one week from today im moving.
This horrible illness I have just keeps getting worse..everyday I wake up and my throat is more closed..it SUCKS. My whole body aches. My drummer (hah, my drummer..doesnt that sound great?) had to go to the hospital because his throat closed so much..speaking of drummer..im so sick I had to cancel practice on Wednesday Waahh!! Just when I was starting to really enjoy being in the band. Come to think of it..We will probably have to cancel practice this week too because of the move..unless they are wanting to practice on Sunday.

Yeah…this entry was about absolutely nothing. But I wanted to get the show on the road..got my own domain, got everything set up right thanks to Kelley. So I figured I should write a semi long entry.

Anyways..im out for now..

Hopefully….